Handsome Anxiety
Let's talk, for a second, about me. In the professional world, I avoid using words like me or I, but that's insight for another time.... or not... I don't care.
Anxiety, in itself, is nearly impossible to control, let alone do it reasonably. It's not until after I feel the anxiety crush my bones and clean my bowels, that I realize how unreasonable I am/was. Functioning while anxious is a skill that is mastered through understanding self-awareness and having the wits about you to keep perspective. Have I mentioned I have ADD as well? Wait, let's not get off track already.
Trying not to sound like a braggadocio, but I've got a smoking hot girlfriend. She's absolutely stunning. The most asked question I receive is, "what is she doing with you?"... in fact a 70+ year old man smacked my face at a nice date night out to dinner, due to a wisecrack I made about her being lucky to have me. That's what I'm dealing with. On top of her good looks, she's also wicked smart, and super kind. I know she's working on dealing with my anxiety and is doing a tremendous job. Obviously there are times where reasonability is out the window on both sides, but we can talk about that in the next blog... maybe... we can call it "Couples Fighting"... that's a terrible title. I'll work on it.
Anyways, the reason I've brought her into the mix is mostly to brag, but to also recognize that anxiety is hilariously one-sided. Maybe hilariously isn't the right word... let's say, selfishly instead. If I want to be anxious or I want anxiety to take full control of my mind, body, and soul, here's how I do it.
1. Over think everything... a word, a sentence, a Facebook post, a blog, etc.
2. Over-react about those things I over-thought in #1
3. Get red-faced mad when "someone" doesn't tell me, I'm handsome.
4. Predict the future in the worst possible outcome to every situation I can imagine. (because, having anxiety makes me a damn oracle)
5. Never trust anyone. They're all liars and cheaters anyways.
6. Be needy and demand reassurance that I am, in fact, handsome. I deserve it.
7. Have high expectations, and don't communicate them, so that way when things don't work out as my oracle brain pictured it playing out, I have the right to be angry.
Last but not least, and what drives my relationship anxiety off the charts is FEAR. Fear she will get tired of my "emotional issues" and my quirkiness... and I guarantee she will, if I don't put an effort into working on it. She's smart enough to see that if I'm just letting these totally reasonable ideas about how she is going to leave me for a Spanish prince... does Spain still have prince's?... run my life, that I will lose her. Not because she wants to, but because I push her away, and eventually she will not have the energy or effort to keep this going. Fear IS anxiety.. Fear is insecurity... Fear of spiders is normal, but fear of being loved and not letting it happen is your own mind telling you the wrong thing.
I deserve to be happy, the jacked up thing is that I'm the reason I'm not happy. In a general sense, I've never been happier. In my mind, jealousy, insecurity, resentfulness, anger, sadness, doom, etc are running wild. Should we take medicine? I'm in, I like trying things. I forgot where I was going with this.... something something medicine.... anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness is a choice. It is 1000% easier said than done. That's where self-awareness comes into play. While overridden with anxiety, remaining reasonable and keeping perspective are the impossible... I think I said that already, but we will leave it in because I don't feel like rereading what I wrote up there....
Understanding myself and how I react or "get" when I'm anxious is the key to my growth and moving past things. I'm also fortunate to have a super hot lady, who can see when I'm being out of line and she is learning to react accordingly. I don't mean, she tells me I'm handsome and then we move on, I mean she has this ability to remain calm and say the most reasonable thing that kind of snaps me out of it, and reminds me that it's the "doom brain" talking and not me. Then later on when we are snuggled up, she... still doesn't tell me I'm handsome, but she still voluntarily snuggles with me. Did I say "snuggle" too much in this section? What I try to do is recognize when I'm out of control, and start dissecting why I'm losing my freaking mind.
These are some of the questions I'll ask myself:
Why am I mad?
Why am I frustrated/sad/angry at so-and-so? ("so-and-so" is not my gf's name, FYI, although I like it)
What did I do differently today that may have caused my irritability?
Is it so-and-so's fault?.... Really?.... didn't think so.
What was I thinking of when I got upset?
What was I looking at when I got upset?
Am I really handsome?
Starting with those questions, I will create further thoughts around my decision on whether or not I'm in fact being reasonable, and whether or not I've got a valid perspective.... rage is not a valid perspective.
Another type of fear is jealousy.... I struggle big time. A lot of times it doesn't have anything to do with fear of cheating or lying, but jealousy of someone or something else getting better attention than I do. Yes, I meant better. Better attention may be a long one, maybe I'll save that for another chat when I'm jealous.
I'm not sure how to wrap this all up, but it's almost time for some vegan tortilla soup, so I've got to go.
I'll leave you with this.. my lady wrote me a letter that I read a couple times a week when I feel bad, and even though she's not very good at spelling or grammar, it reminds me that she chose me too. I'm not forcing her to be here and there's no reason for me to worry. Adversely, I wrote myself a letter.... it's the opposite of that. It was an anxious filled two page rant I wrote and was going to give to her. Thankfully I didn't... She's done nothing wrong, but my mind fabricates these thoughts that she has or will... I can't read her mind and I can't predict the future, so I'm just going to take a knee, eat some soup, and think about how handsome I am.
